In Memoriam, Y.

I'm supposed to get up here 

And say, "Boy, you've got class!" 

You're so full o' fuckin' talent

That it drips outta your crack!

That if you follow your dreams 

It'll all come to pass

"This here's a meritocracy!"

Man, get your head outta your ass. 

IT IS NOT.

Good morning.

I had a privileged life, AND I got lucky, AND I'm unhappy.

What, you want to make sense

AND talk in rhyme?

Fine, this is it, here it goes,

You ungrateful fucking swine.

It's puberty and 

Growing pains,

Having political "opinions", and a 

Growing sense of shame

It's Anderson Cooper

On C-N-friggin'-N

What a fine arse on that man, 

Can I get an amen?!

Masturbation on a daily basis

(My girlfriend only got us past two bases)

There's hentai and octopii
Unnecessarily fetishized

American Psycho 101 says 
Read a book by Freud!

(I had a weird dream about an uncle, okay bitch? Sue me.)

Oh gosh darn, it happened again,

I slipped outta rhyme, 

And hurt your wee brain

This is the problem, though, let me to give it to you straight

(Though I'm bent as a faggot), 

Bitch, lemme illustrate

The problem

With this

Generation 

Is not

Social media or misandry

Or exponential moral rot

Or the kids who don't 

Like the Pope anymore

He's a swell guy, really, 

But I just wanna elope

With my hell-bound girl, and bottle of 'shine

Netflix and chill, that's the new party line

But the party's stopped cold

There's bombs at the door

There's blood on the floor

The NRA is on every 

World leader's honor roll

Even Chaning Tatum couldn't beat

This fucking gun show

There's good boys in jail for committing the crime

Of being born in President Donald Trump's time

Once you go black, you get shot in the back

Try to breathe, 

But you can't, you can't, you can't.

This is beginning to hurt, as I start to speak

This hurts all the little parts of me

This is the story of the generation raised to believe

That if you try just a little, you might be on TV!

So all the girls are off showin' their new tits

On some kinda wacko 'empowerment' kick

Which, when you think about it, really, what a great business model

Make a sex tape! Ask Kardashian! It all works out in the long run! :) 

They're tellin' us it's fine, kids, it's all good

There's a McD's and an Exxon in every neighbourhood!

Because, come on, guys, haven't any of you heard?

Climate change isn't real!

....Al Gore, damn, you tried man, you really did, that's all that counts. Fuck 'em bro, what do they know, right?

(Whoops, my bad,
Getting back on track)

A little bit of context, here, if you didn't know about this -

Al Gore made "Global Warming" a part of your thesaurus

All the world went, goddamn, that deserves an Oscar
All of America went, 
Um.
Nah.

And if you still don't get it, let's get a bit deeper

(haha thats what he said) (Ugh, I need to find Jesus)

Just 2 degrees hotter, you idiot pendejo, 

Is a LOT! It's a planet, not a shitty breakfast burrito.

There's a kid already born, who is going to die

Because of catastrophic planet failure

This ain't a fuckin' lie

We've got epidemics of obesity

And at the same time,

African kids starve to death, just down the line.

Explain that one to me, and while you're at it

Serve up some bullshit about saturated fatty acids

"A New Study Shows Ham's Good for your Heart"

And if you wanna fasttrack to hell... It'll do it's part.

At least, that's what I read in the book of the Lord

Not that One, not Him either, no, I mean the other Guy

The real one that's really sitting in the sky

Judging us for all of our sins and our lube
Damning us for our 'exponential moral rot'

Preaching hate to the choir, during Sunday school
The all-loving, merciful, genocidal little snot

But

It's fine, it's okay, I've drunk the Kool-Aid

Apparently, we're all 
Riding the same highway

We're paying our dues, and getting fucked in our asses

We've got Oculus lenses and backstage passes

To this grand fucking shitshow you birthed us into

You fought too many wars and killed too many Jews

You burnt too much coal and raped too many women

You don't even realize the things we've forgiven

So let us be, 

This ain't your part

Give us some time

To go back to the start

Exeunt right.

Now.



This was written in memory of You.

___

Several lines of this poem have been lifted verbatim from various sources; other have inspired various stanzas. All are listed below:

(1) Bo Burnham, "Make Happy", Netflix, 2016.
(2)Davis Guggenheim, "An Inconvenient Truth", Screenplay by former Vice President Al Gore, 2006
(3) Stephen Fry, "QI", Series G: Episode 11: "Gifts": Part III, With Clive Anderson, Jimmy Carr and Jan Ravens, BBC One, 2009
(4) Bernie Sanders, "It's Not Over", With Erica Garner, February 2016
(5) Alan Poul,"The Newsroom", Season 3: Episode 3: "Main Justice", HBO, 2014
(6) Brad Bird, "Tomorrowland", Walt Disney Pictures, 2015
(7) Alfred, Lord Tennyson, "In Memoriam A.H.H.", 1849

47 Perfectly Normal Thoughts I had while Losing My KUTWK Virginity

1. UHHH so Scott and Kourtney used to be married??? I feel so out of the loop this is sad.
2. Khloe is such an absolute bitch to Kris. And Kris is like, "I wanna sew up my vagina", and this is most mom thing I have ever heard no joke.
3. Kris and Kim are casually discussing sex dolls, poolside. I am literally so fucking blown right now. Uh.
4. Kris just said she’s “allergic” to bees? I did not know this was a thing.
5. Kim is giving young women advice for their future. Her advice is to 'have drive'? I. I. Okay.
6. Caitlyn is trying to convince Kim to make an appearance at her award show and this whole show is awkward. KIM PLS STOP BEING SO DIPLOMATIC AND SENSIBLE THIS IS NOT WHAT I PAID FOR.
7. Why does Kim blink sooooooo sloooooowly.
8. Apparently getting a shitty Etsy signboard that says “That was then; This is now,” will BLOW KRIS WAAAAY THE FUCK AWAY.
9. Kris is dating a younger man. Khloe is happy 'Stella got her groove back.' 
10. Khloe explains to her mother why her mother’s younger boyfriend has asked her to go island weekend holidaying. “It’s called intercourse, mom.” REVELATIONS ALL AROUND FOLKS.
11. FYI the word 'fuckfest' may have been used.
12. Good times, good times.
13. Kourtney is realest, sweetest, nicest person ever. She did not nothing to deserve this insanity. God.
14. Kris is fake-crying without smudging her mascara DID SHE PREP FOR THIS SPONTANEOUS EMOTIONAL MOMENT WITH WATERPROOF MASCARA? OH MY GOD KRIS TEACH ME YOUR WAYS.
15. *adds waterproof mascara to grocery list*
16. Kourtney, post-Disick-moving-out: Now I have a huge closet, guys. The closet is NUMBER ONE. *bows to the kween*
17. The Kardashians are unnaturally obsessed with bellybuttons it is the THIRD TIME THEY HAVE MENTIONED IT IN LESS THAN FIFTEEN MINUTES. WHAT EVEN.
18. *examines own bellybutton with great dread*
19. Oh god I have a terrible bellybutton what the actual bye.
20. Khloe just used the word dysmorphia correctly. Mind = blown.
21. Kendall looks so early '00s Kate Moss and I have never been more nostalgically happy.
22. Kim is eating as much in one meal as as I eat in an entire day this is giving me so much hope guys. *hunts down family size pack of doritos* *EATS*
23. THEIR CLOSET IS THE SIZE OF MY ROOM
24. THEIR CLOSET IS BIGGER THAN MY ROOM
25. I have such a complex now.
26. Kim is like the Steve Jobs in this biz in the sense that. IDK. IDK in what sense. I have no actual living neurons anymore.
27. Kourtney just found out that people are saying she should be on the bachelorette. FYI I would be SO DOWN FOR THAT. TAKE THE HINT, NETWORKS. FUCKING TAKE IT.
28. Kris’ boyfriend is aggressively battling a bee. A honeybee. Bye bye.
29. Someone just legitimately said, "Wanna take a selfie? That's the best part of life." THEY SAID IT UNIRONICALLY. OKAY.
30. Kylie’s house is DREEEEAAAAAAAM
31. Kylie just changed three outfits and they probably each cost as much as my entire wardrobe so that’s. Fine.
32. KYLIE’S DOG SHAT ON HER COUCH. BALANCE HAS BEEN RESTORED TO THE UNIVERSE. #BLESS
33. Why is Kim so UPTIGHT. THIS WOMAN DAMN.
34. Kris Jenner is ridiculously well preserved
35. Khloe is pouting all over the place for her photoshoot and my sexuality has never felt more hetero.
36. Oh wait wait maybe I feel bi ag- NOPE. NOPE. WHY. NOPE. MY VAGINA IS SO SCARED.
37. Everyone on this show needs to find jesus, bye.
38. BABIES. BABIES. OH NO BABIES TOO CUTE  TO HANDLE. OH NOOOOooooooo.
39. I have never seen so many make up brushes. I truly feel so illiterate. I can never go to LA.
40. Kylie has makeup on hER HANDS. ON HER HANDS. 
41. LITERALLY ALL I CAN THINK OF NOW IS KHLOE'S NIPPLES. 
42. THAT IS ALL. DONE-ZO.
43. Caitlyn is crying on stage and accepting her award and I am crYING WITH HER. YOU GO GIRL. YOU GET IT.
44. Kylie honestly looks magical and i am v annoyed by this. V ANNOYYED, FRIENDS.
45. Kim looks like she’d rather be LITERALLY ANYWHERE ELSE.
46. Kim looks ready for this day to be HELLA FUCKIN OVER. Same, Kim. Same.
47. OOOOOOHHHHHHH NOOOOOORTHHH